Bad Teacher is a comedy starring Cameron Diaz as a gold digging, scheming teacher. The movie costars Justin Timberlake and Jason Segel. You can read the full, unedited post that includes more pictures here.
Elizabeth: “Get yourself hard cuz I’m gonna suck your d*ck like I’m mad at it…oh look your mom’s here…”
Elizabeth: “I don’t love you? I’ve been listening to you whine about opera for the last year”
Fiance: “Okay if the young generation doesn’t get into opera then guess what, no more opera, an art form has died. If opera goes away we’re f*cked!”
Elizabeth: “I found him in bed with somebody else. It was another man.”
Amy: “Shut the front door”
Elizabeth: “I thought the teachers were supposed to get the apples.”
Amy: “Well I think the students teach me at least as much as I teach them. That’s just something I say sometimes”
Elizabeth: “Stupid”
Elizabeth: “You know I spent my entire summer hanging out at the bars near where the Bulls practice. I had some fun, got some cool souvenirs but those guys are not looking to settle down. I mean they all wear condoms, then they take the condoms with them, that’s how paranoid they are. Like it’s so easy to get pregnant from some dude nutting into a condom”
Elizabeth: “You have no idea how hard it is to compete against those Barbie doll types.
Lynn: “Yeah, that’s true we’re not getting any younger…”
Russell: “So I heard about the whole engagement thing, that blows”
Elizabeth: “Did you know I walked in on him trying to f*ck his dog, peanut butter everywhere
Amy: “Did I hear you were showing a movie this morning on the first day of school?
Elizabeth: “How do I know what you heard?”
Amy: “…actually I was really hoping we could be more than just across the hall mates”
Elizabeth: “I don’t now what you heard but I don’t eat muff pie”
Amy: “No, of course not, I don’t even know what that is, I just meant friends”
Elizabeth: (on the phone) “f*cking troll!”
Kirk: “Did you call my name?”
Elizabeth: “No, I said f*cking troll.”
Kirk: “Oh, I thought you said Kirk.”
Kirk: “Want to get wasted?” (sits bottle of alcohol down)
Elizabeth: “Uh, yeah”
Kirk: “Cool, see ya” (leaves)
Elizabeth: “…you know I’ve always said that dolphins are the humans of the sea”
Wally: “I have a bumper sticker that says that”
Elizabeth: “We should go get a drink tonight, I feel like getting drunk. I mean not drunk drunk, strong buzz, still able to drive”
Scott: “I’m sorry, I can’t yet, I’m just not ready but if you’re patient I think I might be worth your while”
Elizabeth: “You’re worth the wait”
Scott: “I think so too.”
Wally: “Lauren Richman’s dad called and he said we should have a car wash every weekend so instead of accusing her you might want to ask her for some pointers.”
Amy: “Well if these pointers include wearing provocative beachwear for money I think I’ll pass.”
Elizabeth: “She’s such a phony.”
Lynn: “Yeah, major phony (laughs) but you know she also cares a lot too.”
Lynn: (about Scott) “I love how his eyes sparkle when he smiles.”
Elizabeth: “I want to sit on his face.”
Amy: “…and it’s exactly what I told Elizabeth when she told me about this upcoming fake breast job
Scott: “Oh”
Amy: “Sorry, sorry, I thought you were telling everyone”
Elizabeth: “Did you?”
Scott: “Well I’m pro-choice, I believe everyone should choose whatever makes them happiest except abortion of course.”
Elizabeth: “…and my fiance, he cheated on me with his sister…”
Sasha: “Is that marijuana?”
Elizabeth: “No, it’s medicinal marijuana. I have a prescription and everything and I’m not going to tell you what it’s for because it’s between me and my doctor”
Elizabeth: “Listen word to the wise, stop dressing like you’re running for congress”
Sasha: “I don’t want to run for congress, I want to be president.”
Elizabeth: “See that’s what I’m talking about, keep saying s*it like that and you’re going to get punched.”
Russell: “Want to go get high?”
Elizabeth: “Yeah, give me a nug, I’ll go smoke it in my car”
Russell: “Wow, no, I meant do you want to go get high with me?”
Elizabeth: “Yeah, I don’t know her that well, I know all of the other teachers really hate her f*cking guts but I stay above that stuff…”
Elizabeth: “Let’s get baked, (sees student) goods, we’re gonna get some baked goods”
Russell: “You understand this is like, what I do, ‘for a living’.”
Elizabeth: “You have no upper body strength
Russell: “Yes I do just not in my arms or my chest, but I have cat like reflexes…”
Russell: “See those championship banners? When I first came to this school they weren’t there, they were over there, I had them moved over there.”
Russell: “Can I say something for the record?”
Elizabeth: “Fine”
Russell: “It’s about your, the, the big fake t*tties, are you really going to do that?”
Elizabeth: “Uh huh”
Russell: “Why would you do that? Your t*ts are fine, I like your t*ts, ask my roommate.”
Mr. Tiara: “The shelter? That’s something”
Elizabeth: “Yeah, I really like helping bums”
Elizabeth: “I’ll tell you what I know, a kid who wears the same gymnastics sweatshirt 3 days a week isn’t getting laid until he’s 29″
Garrett: “This sweatshirt was my dad’s, it’s all he left me, when he left me”
Elizabeth: “There’s a reason he didn’t pack it, just saying”
Kirk: “Aren’t you going out with the other nurses?”
Elizabeth: “I’m not a nurse.”
Kirk: “I thought you were a nurse”
Elizabeth: “I’m a teacher”
Lynn: “..a bunch of us are going out tonight to see Period 5 play, you want to come?”
Elizabeth: “Period 5?”
Lynn: “Yeah, the teacher band”
Elizabeth: (laughs) “Yeah, I’d rather get shot in the face”
Elizabeth: “C’mon Lynn, you need to loosen up a little, when was the last time you had a good d*cking?”
Russell: “A good d*cking?”
Elizabeth: (on guys) “…then you just choose, textbook”
Russell: “Yeah, from the world’s weirdest textbook”
Elizabeth: “…get your *ss over to those cowboys”
Lynn: “Well I’m glad I wore my fun underwear”
Elizabeth: “F*ck! Is it me, I mean is there something wrong with me?”
Lynn: “I don’t think so, I mean sometimes you talk to people and”
Elizabeth: (cutting her off) “Thank you”
Amy: “Wally can’t you see she is manipulating you through the use of dolphins?”
Elizabeth: (on her students’ papers) “Pathetic, this is why the J*ps are overtaking us (looking at Asian student) and I don’t mean you”
Elizabeth: “…I’ve been speaking to various, uh, black citizens who allege that you’re tests are biased towards white people and Orientals”
Carl: “Okay let me tell you something right away, A. Orientals just test better…”
Elizabeth: “You want to know what turns me on, sex in an office, getting f*cked really hard against a wooden desk”
Carl: “Mine’s metal”
Elizabeth: “Even better”
Carl: “I am going to rock your vagina”
Elizabeth: (while seeing the answer key) “Hello t*tties”
Russell: (mock outrage) “C’mon guys there’s a wig missing!”
Scott: “It’s a pretty inspiring message to the kids, we should never stop working on ourselves, like you with your little boobs or me experimenting with ethnic foods.”
Scott: “…God, I just hate slavery so much”
Elizabeth: “Slavery’s the worst”
Scott: “If I could go back in time and undo slavery I would, I hate it.”
Scott: (while dry humping) “Your jeans feel so good against my jeans”
Elizabeth: “Totally”
Scott: “Oh, I’m dry humping the sh*t out of you”
Elizabeth: “Oh yeah, dry f*ck the f*ck out of me Scott”
Scott: “Just stop talking”
Elizabeth: “Maybe next time we can dry hump without our clothes on.”
Scott: “I’m pretty sure I’d like that.”
Garrett: “…the rapper? He’s an idiot”
Elizabeth: “Yeah, he’s a f*ckin’ MOron”
Elizabeth: “7th grade is not your moment”
Garrett: “maybe 8th grade”
Elizabeth: “probably not, I’m thinkin’ college, that’s your moment, be ready”
Scott: “Everything okay with Garrett?”
Elizabeth: “No it’s not, I found him hooking up with an 8th grader from another school, she was jerking him off (mimes it), yeah, I’m gonna give him detention when we get back.”
Elizabeth: “Lots of people don’t wear bras”
Russell: “Definitely, lots of teachers.”
Russell: “I”m going through such a tough time, can I have your panties?”
Elizabeth: “I’m not wearing any”
Amy: “I can’t believe you’d let her take advantage of you like that. You are too trusting.”
Scott: “I am, I didn’t know what was happening.”
Amy: “Save it doll face. You can explain it all tomorrow to the principal and the superintendent when you’ve got your meeting with the principal and superintendent tomorrow at the meeting, tomorrow.”
Superintendent: “You seemed very certain a couple of days ago”
Carl: (clears throat) “I did, because, um, I am a casual drug user. That’s my thing and everybody knows it. So that explains me making absolutely no sense.”
Russell: “I’m going to write my number down just in case you need a lift after the surgery or an extra set of hands to make sure the implants are settling properly.”
Elizabeth: “So basically if I was going to go out with you I’d be making the conscious choice to be dating a gym teacher who lives in a shack with 4 dogs”
Russell: “I prefer to think of it as 2 people with amazing bodies sharing those bodies with each other, giving each other the gift of these bodies…”
Lynn: “Oh you didn’t get your, your, t*ts”
Elizabeth: “Yeah I thought about it and I didn’t even need ’em. Plus they’re really expensive, you know, per t*t”
Lynn: “Yeah, and you’ve gotta get 2 of ’em”
