This weekend I went around to look for good places to buy white elephant gifts, you know the things you give away in parties at the work or church. I have to say, there are TOO MANY places for that. Jeez, how many horrible things are fabricated on this world? Is that a sign of the end and of the becoming of Judgment Day? I hope we will not be judged by the looks of the many gifts that are around the stores, because we will be stuck in the most horrendous hell forever and ever!
White elephant gifts are divided in types: we have the pre owned ones, that Lladro porcelain figure of an unicorn and melancholic girl that Aunt Mary gave us last year, we know that the horrible thing’s value is so big as horrible is its looks. We tried infinite times to push it “by accident” from the living room shelf, but the evil figure is immortal, besides ugly. We can have some fun looking at the desperate expression on our boss’s face when randomly he receives the cute donation. What better destiny for the monkey lamp that your brother in law brought to you from ? That monkeys from the lamp always looked at you with something else on their minds, and it is for the best to give someone else the pleasure of their attention. On the other hand, that thick and full of clever data self help book about the power of happy thoughts over the shadow of depression, the one your mom gave to you, driven by the tenderest intentions, let the guy from the office who is always using and clogging the copy machine to benefit from such useful advices. Moreover, you HAVE to do something with the deer head that is hanging from the wall, its eyes are following you in a sadistic way, and it is for the best that you let it take his justified revenge on the family of that school partner who is always getting you in trouble with the teachers.
Other white elephant gifts are the ones buy. I love doing that, and I can tell you the best places. First, go to Goodwill. You can go to any thrift shop, but Goodwill is often a huge store and has a good variety of horrors. I like to check on the paintings section. They have there good examples of the complexity and danger on the minds of the people who think, or thought in some moment, that they are artists. I do not know if the donors of those execrations are well-intentioned people or clever sadist, but it is amazing the things people can do and do not go to jell. Imitation of Kinkaid’s, (like it is not enough being a real Kinkaid), crafted pictures full of wool and beads, huge Last Suppers versions for all the tastes, portraits that make nothing of the Dorian Grey affair. Buy one of those abominations, and you will have the perfect white elephant Gift. Goodwill also has a “nice” selection of house items that could decorate a painting from El Bosco. Plastic wall clocks imitating antiques, plastic vases with plastic flowers, plastic centerpieces that look killed nature more that dead nature. Plastic is normally the fabrication material, what gives the items a good price. If you are cruel enough, stop by the used lingerie section, there you can find treasures like huge sized panties and bras, or old sleepwear that sure gives more nightmares than sweet dreams. If you was too pressed by your work partners during last year, go ahead and attack with a piece of furniture, in Goodwill they have historically ugly chairs, side bed tables, little plastic armors and shelves, and even bathroom items, will be magnificent if you buy a toilet seat, or a portable one for sick or elder people, and use it like a present.
Another paradise for the white elephant Gift searcher is the Dollar Store. For one buck each, you can buy figurines of bears, wolves, reptiles, crystal roses, plastic flowers, twisted candle holders, cheap and opaque sets of cups, glasses and dishes, perfumes that make easily a third hole on the nose of the unhappy person that smell them, soaps in all shapes that feels like rocks on the skin, or sets of bathroom towels that disappear when you put them on the washing machine.
And if you are in the creative side, go online and create and purchase one of that “funny” t-shirts, they have social sensed slogans like “I see dumb people”, or “I am with stupid” with an arrow pointing to the companion.
So, have fun shopping for your white elephant gift, and smile thinking about how much horror you will bring to your recipient’s house.
