One day I will write a book for my children, explaining what I went through to raise them so that I would not hold them accountable for all the personal, physical, and financial sacrifices they have made to protect, save, and protect them. happiness, but to give an honest account of how fatherhood has changed me for the better and for the worse, and to push them to travel, if possible.
Only 27 and already with two children, I found myself a member of what seems to be a rare group of young married men with children. Recent statistics suggest that the average American male has left marriage until 28. From 1970 to 1999, according to one source, more and more people are waiting until their 30s and 40s to have children, with the number of first-times under 30 declining. by 18%.* This is indeed a small group of people.
There are many reasons for the decline, I’m sure. Obviously, those who delay getting married inevitably delay having children. Culture, as always, is likely to blame, as we broadcast television pictures with more vivid images of families without fathers, families in which fathers have decided and allowed to act like kind teenage boys (or worse) and families in which fathers have been reduced to the role of ineffectual idiots dominating their wives. We, too, young males share some sort of “reproach”. Effective parenting is growing up, and not all of us are growing up enthusiastically, especially in a world that pushes us to avoid some external signs of maturity and aging. But we try on identities more often than in our youth. We lose ourselves in video game characters, drool over the athletic feats of other men, career status or pursued women . and complete the “cavemen” in their futile attempts to fit into clothes intended for someone else.
I have tried these roles and more, always looking for something to grasp and adapt that inside, calmly, to answer the burning question: who am I? Fatherhood, however, is much more than marriage, and he did this in fine. Becoming a father immediately stripped me of affection, spiritually, physically and mentally; First he fired an arrow, fleeing those false identity soldiers he had gathered around me, leaving me with a dusty horn to complete the revolution. And this I began to do, ever since I timidly gave birth to my first-born son. There was no option before.
First of all, the new capacity of love. To be sure, I love my wife as one of the others. But it was always with another kind of love, companionship, friendship, respect, biblical love, which was born out of certain needs which the omniscient God raises in men. It is and always will be conditional love. It demands reciprocity, whether we want to admit it or not.
With the children, God’s love is based on nothingness, a reminder of his complicated love for us. This love is at once happy and sad, tender and maddened. Until I rejoice in the past, present, and future triumphs with my children, I mourn the sorrows of life that I know remain. While I will celebrate many of their sincere inquiries into Christian counsel, and their many good judgments, I will physically grieve when I observe their errors. But all this must be done. From this it follows that we could not attain the freedom first given to us by God through Adam. It is a reminder of what he suffers on a daily basis quite literally a billion times. Children are God’s greatest blessing. They lead us to recognize our manifest wickedness and the reality of God’s unconditional love.
Second, he came to a newfound understanding of what it means to assume the role of provider. I do everything as a father: love, money, clothes, food, training, medicine, advice, teaching, protection, time, and on and on and on. In order to see this, things must be sacrificed, such as time, money, sleep, entertainment, etc. Yes, I accept the reverse, but they are not necessary for health and safety. I am not all that my children can afford me. But from my ex. This sacrificial love is difficult to get used to, especially since I often see many young men who should not practice such love. Save time, money, sleep, and entertainment. Or if they do not, they often spend them at their own discretion.
Thirdly, I discovered (and great) responsibility, and with it, my awareness of every action increased. Here, I not only have a child who relies on me for his physical safety, but also who relies on me for his emotional, intellectual, and most importantly, spiritual safety. Just as a child neglected physically or deformed will perish, so a child neglected emotionally or intellectually or spiritually deformed will perish in these regions. Now not only must I expose myself to honesty in all my life, but it must also be in the same conversation. Otherwise, what moment will he assign to me? How likely is he to turn my government on?
It must be added that in the spiritual class, God imputes to me the execution, which can be the father of a more terrible thought. It is my duty, not my wife, nor my parents, nor my pastor, to keep all my children on the path of righteousness. To take this seriously is an enormous burden to bear.
Finally came clarity and priority. I am Chim, the writer. Or I Chim, in college student. Or row. Or part of an animal. Or whatever. It was all about what I felt like I needed to meet at that moment. Because of that, I ended up becoming more and more confused about who I was and who I wanted to be. It is now clear. I am Chim, father. I have no other choice of luxury, because I know that the two boys standing behind me cannot survive on their own. Until they reach an age when they can reduce their dependence, they are my priority.
Maybe this sounds a bit sad. Moreover, freedom and individualism seem to have completely disappeared. I am defined by my children. Certainly, if you are not a parent, it would be difficult for me to argue to the contrary, I believe. But having children has forced me into roles that cannot be experienced otherwise. I am God and servant. Every day the destinies of two men rest in my hands. At the same time I am their humble servant, responding to the nod and call. Walking in these two things defined me. He taught me shamelessness, patience and humility. It introduced me to a greater responsibility than any other job I could have. It made me mature. He brought laughter, warmth, and joy to me. Fatherhood unfolds a little the wonderful mystery of God’s love. Fatherhood gave me purpose. It gave me the identity that everyone seems to be looking for.
*Harry Fisch, M.D., The Biological Male Clock, 2005.
