Too much clarification of friendship without a lot of trust can have for friends. When we begin to inquire who our friends are, what they are like, and why they are friends, the mind is filled with uncertainty and suspicion. However, let’s do it anyway.
While we may be most interested in ourselves, just consider our friends as people with mutual compassion, understanding and willingness, what is the flip side? What lies beneath the slightly scratchy surface in this idea of friendship? Such questions may seem wretched, but they are somewhat necessary to the wills of couples, which are often the source of the joys of friendship.
For example, what the French philosopher, Blasius Pascal, would say about friends; ” Few friendships would survive if each one knew what his friend was behind his back.” We defend to others that our true friends are not those whom we speak ill of, or speak negatively of us, but is that at all true? Even the people we consider to be our best friends are our biggest critics when we’re not listening. Perhaps a really good friend will openly criticize us, so that they may be helpful or useful, and yet, as Pascal said, too much criticism is contrary to friendly survival.
Think of a time when you said something like, “Yes, he’s good at heart, but…” There’s always a “but…” when it comes to defining friends. and even ourselves, as we are, full of vices. So perhaps those who we consider our closest friends are those who we think are wise about us, or rather those who are hiding good feelings about us.
This seems to be natural human behavior, as other philosophers have pointed out. Albert Camus once wrote, “You do not believe your friends when they ask you to be honest. All those who will, must be kept in a good opinion of themselves. Therefore our friends about us face to face, in the hope that we want, make gestures. Most friends don’t want a true opinion, they want an opinion that makes them feel good and that will keep the friendship strong.
What happened to Camus is that his compatriot Jean-Paul Sartre often philosophized. Our friends, even our significant others, are the people who make us feel good about ourselves. Simply put, Sartre believed that our identity, or individual existence, can only be constructed or recognized by another. Feelings of others’ opinions make us who we are. We can have some influence on how we present ourselves to others, but in the end, their opinions create the identity we understand.
If so, how do our friends shape their own identity and existence? A common saying comes across, “we are not so good as friends.” In a sense, we are influenced by the society we hold, but with Sartre and Camus we can take this a step further; ‘We are only as good as our friends make us out to be.’ What our friends say about us is what we are trying to protect.
We naturally think that they are their friends, and we cannot distrust them. Friends to worship and cherish the respect and kindness that we demand from them as well. But for these cursed, more contemplative existences, friendship deserves scrutiny.
Think of this on a much simpler level: you’ll bring something to a “pick-up friend.” Many of the people we know, or even shamefully do, are using it for some of our purposes. This is done through friendship to him, who will then do it for you, because it is the cause of friendship. So we stay friends with people who have pallet trucks because they can help us move beds and such. It is not uncommon for people to attract friends in their trucks, or expensive equipment, as they say their possessions. Or they complain that once they lose their useful possessions, they find who are their true friends.
There are many reactions to friendships, and it is not at all abominable if friends use each other for gain. Whether it’s to gain status in a social environment, to share a benefit, or as someone who makes us feel good about ourselves, mutuality is a means to an end in itself. We rarely, if ever, have friends who are friends for the sake of friends.
Hopefully these thoughts will just open up the question of who your friends are and why you want to be their friend. Remember that one must always be selective, no matter how much one seems to cut into or offend friendships; we have to choose to continue in the relationship. But most of all, ask yourself to see what is behind the election, and, as they say, “choose your friends wisely.”
