Being a single heterosexual male and longtime member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I often wonder about the issue of Alcoholics Anonymous members and dating. I usually attend four or five AA meetings each week and truth be told, I do scout the room at each AA meeting that I attend, to see which women are present. I think that such a practice is only natural and it does not distract me from my purpose of attaining support for and learning ways to effectively deal with my disease of alcoholism.
One of the main issues that I regularly wonder about in regard to dating while being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous is if it is better to date another member of the program, or is it better for a member of AA to date someone who is not a member of the program. I can’t help but remember what a rehab counselor told me while I was still in early sobriety. He said that it was generally best for members of AA to not date other members of the program, because instead of just dealing with one’s own addiction, when a member of Alcoholics Anonymous is dating another member of the program, they are also taking on another person’s addiction problems. That theory ties – in with the un – official rule of not being in a relationship while in the first year of one’s sobriety. What I wonder about, as I approach 11 years of sobriety, is which scenario is better for members of Alcoholics Anonymous who have several years of sobriety.
From my experience, I have found that former friends and associates who are still actively drinking often do not want to hang out or associate with me and sometimes, the feeling is mutual. In theory, when one is a recovering alcoholic, it is probably best to not spend lots of time around active alcoholics. My thought is that active alcoholics feel uncomfortable around members of Alcoholics Anonymous, because it makes them think about their own drinking habits. Also, from my experience, a large percentage of the adult population at large still likes to drink socially. If a member of AA is secure enough in their sobriety to socialize with and date a person who drinks socially, is such a relationship appropriate and healthy for that person ?
During the past year, I have dated several different women. Most of these women are not members of Alcoholics Anonymous. While I certainly do not want to be involved with an out – of – control alcoholic, I not only don’t mind a woman drinking socially, I sometimes prefer it. I feel that for many people, having a drink or two helps them to relax enough to engage in lively and interesting conversations.
When I date women who are members of Alcoholics Anonymous, I sometimes feel awkward and guarded about conversation topics. Unfortunately, yet understandably, much of our conversations revolve around AA. When I date women who are not members of AA, our conversations are much more interesting and don’t seem selective. Of course, those are just my personal viewpoints and everyone’s situation is different.
I know several couples who are both members of Alcoholics Anonymous, who met at AA meetings and have happy, long – term marriages and relationships. Some of these couples particularly thrive on the emotional support and mutual empathy for their shared disease of alcoholism. Others maintain separate meeting schedules and sobriety goals.
While each dating situation for members of Alcoholics Anonymous is unique in some ways, there are also similarities in many of them. If you are a member of AA and are dating, or are thinking of dating, hopefully, this article provided some food for thought.
Sources :
Personal experience with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous
