As hard as alcoholism is on its victims, it can be even harder on those they love. All over the world, people are struggling over whether or not to confront a friend or family member who is drinking too much, ruining their lives in the bottom of a bottle. No one wants to admit how serious the problem really is, and it can be difficult to understand how someone you love and care for could possibly fall victim to such a detrimental habit.
Alcoholics are usually portrayed as rambling, nonsensical low-life’s who beat their wives and abuse their children. We associate the word with men and women who have no self control and no respect for their lives. In reality, however, alcoholism can strike the best of the best, sneaking up on its victims without bothering to announce its presence. Good people turn to alcohol when things go wrong, and they don’t realize that they are slowly becoming dependent.
One of the main problems with this scenario is that a commonly good person who begins to drown his sorrow in alcohol is the least likely to be confronted by friends. We want to believe that we are making a big deal out of nothing, that our immaginations are running away with us and that someone we love couldn’t possibly be succumbing to alcoholism.
Unfortunately, stalling in a situation such as this one can be a matter of life and death, and if you see a problem beginning to form, it is your responsibility to try and affect a change.
For the purposes of this article, I am going to use the example of a male friend who has begun showing symptoms of alcoholism.
Bringing up the subject will not be easy. Most people do not like to be told that they have a problem, whether it be about alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, caffeine, or any number of addictive habits. If stress was the original source of the problem, then they will probably be even more defensive because they will think that you are trying to create more of the same. The way that you handle the situation and the method with which you approach your friend will make all the difference in the world.
First of all, this should always be handled one-on-one. If there is a group of you who feel this same way, choose a spokesperson to actually hold the conversation. Later, the other supporters can be used as ‘back-up’ if you are unable to convince your friend he has a problem, but the initial intervention will almost always be unsuccessful if everyone attacks at one time.
Choose a quiet, private place to hold your conversation. A restaurant or a coffee shop will not do, and your friend will probably feel trapped in a public place. Invite him to your house or visit him at his home so that you won’t be interrupted. However, do not have this conversation if he is drinking. I cannot stress this point enough, as you must both be perfectly sober in order to have this conversation effectively. Alcohol supresses the ego, if you want to call it that, and if he is under the influence he will say whatever pops into his head and will not be interested in any of your points. Drunk people are extremely selfish; they are only concerned with their present state of being, and not the future or the past.
Unfortunately, I cannot give you a script. Though I am using a specific example, I am not acquainted with your personal situation or the person for whom you are concerned. Confronting a friend will be different than confronting a family member, and different still from approaching a lover on the subject. Gauging your friend’s reaction will largely depend on his personality, his relationship with you, and the extent of his problem.
I recommend “voicing your concerns.” It is less obtrusive than saying outright that your friend “has a problem” that “needs to be dealt with.” Telling your friend that you have certain concerns will give him the option of accepting or rejecting those concerns; if he agrees to talk about them, you can cite specific examples of when you have seen him abuse alcohol. If he refuses to address your concerns, then you will have to take a more forceful approach.
Whatever you do, don’t get into a “yes you do, no I don’t” argument. Going back and forth will do nothing to help your friend, and will force a division between you and he. It is much more important to remain on good terms so that you can be there for him when he needs you.
However, don’t allow yourself to be sucked into an unhealthy situation. If the problem is serious, and your friend has become abusive, then you will have to reach a point when enough is enough. Your own health is more important than that of anyone else’s, and you must not lose sight of that fact.
So present your concerns and then weigh your options afterwards. How did it go? Was there an argument? Was he receptive to your concerns? The answers to these questions will determine whether there will be subsequent conversations, and whether or not you need to seek outside sources for guidance. There is never any shame in turning to a professional when a situation gets too big for you to handle.
If you are uncertain whether or not to suspect alcohol abuse, here are a few signs that might trigger your concern. This is by no means an all-inclusive list, nor does any single symptom reflect definite abuse.
– Memory Loss
– Numerous drinks every day
– Inability to control intake
– Drinking in public places where one would not normally drink
– Experiencing anger or other intense emotions while drinking
– Expressing a need for an alcoholic beverage
– Large quantities of alcohol in the home
– Inability to get up in the morning
– Insomnia
– Hospitalization for alcohol poisoning.
– Drinking more than four nights each week.
– Drinking until vomiting
If you know someone who falls into several of these categories, then you owe it to them and yourself to get them help. Talk to them yourself or find a professional who can help. Alcoholism is a very real problem, and can take months or even years to recover from.
If you need more information, visit the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism website. They have information about treatment centers and getting help to loved ones.
