I should point out at the outset that this piece is intended only to describe how a free lunch was, in fact, procured by me from Long John Silver’s; I am not intending to make any further claim about whether doing so is permissible. In fact, it’s probably morally questionable, however the feat was accomplished while I was a high-school student with a not-yet solidified moral compass.
Anyway, in my rural Missouri town, I realized that I was hungry, broke and very bored. I decided that, given these features, the best thing I could do would be to cure my boredom by trying to entertain myself in some manner that procured me free food. The old adage ‘there is no such thing as a free lunch’ rang in my head, and almost served to discourage me, but then I remembered how my mother used to ask for extra, relatively minor things from fast food restaurants, and would be given these things free of charge, as they were used to accompany a larger meal.
I gave this idea some thought, as it seemed to have some promise. I wonder if these extras were always free, or only free if you bought a meal. I decided that I would try this out. As everyone in my rural town knows, the best freebee you can get is the free ‘crispies’ from Long John Silver’s. Crispies, if you did not know, are those things that come with a piece of fish: essentially, they are crispy crumbs of batter, which are horrible for you, but excellent on which to snack, and can even be enjoyed in a dipping sauce. Extra crispies are, interestingly enough, free of charge.
I decided to give this ‘free crispies’ idea a shot, although before I pulled up to the Long John Silver’s drive through, I realized that I needed a better game plan. If I only ordered crispies, it would be a bit too obvious that I was there only for a free handout, and perhaps I would be turned away. I then concocted a much better idea. “Perhaps,” I thought, “If I order enough free things, then the lady behind the window will get confused into thinking it is a real order and overlook the crispies.”
Before ordering, I brainstormed how to make this sound real. I cleared my throat.
“Welcome to Long John Silvers, would you like to try our Ocean Platter today?”
“No thank you,” I said politely. “I’ll just start with drinks, I’m ordering for a group. I need five large ice waters, with extra ice in three of them, and then two large cups with ice only.” The woman repeated this back to me nervously, considering that she might make a mistake. “Also, do you still have those ‘crispies’?”
“Yes, we have crispie crumbs.”
” How much are those?”
“No charge.”
“Okay, I need seven boxes of crispies please.”
“That’s give large ice waters, two of ’em extra ice, two cups of just ice and seven boxes of crispie crumbs. Will that be all for you today, sir?”
Wow! The fact that she asked me if it will be all seemed to imply that she would accept either yes or no for an answer. If she would accept ‘yes’, then it would seem to follow that I could get everything I ordered to this point for free! But wait, I might as well go for a little more, I though.
“I’d also like extra ketchup, extra salt, and a lot of napkins, please.”
“Extra ketchup, extra salt and napkins, will that be all?”
“Yes, thank you.”
“Please pull around.”
I drove around a little nervously, knowing it would be awkward when I was told my price. Surely, I’d get charged something, I thought; I’d just have to say with a straight face that I was not aware that any of the items I wanted came with a charge. I found myself face to face with a woman looking very confused, holding a large bag, a boy behind her filling the rest of the waters.
She opened the window, and following cue, I rolled down mine.
“That will be zero dollars,” she said, averting eye contact.
“Thank you,” I said, making no eye contact either.
She proceeded to hand me two large cardboard drink separators filled with my desired specifications of ice and water combinations, followed by three large sacks, containing the seven boxes of crispies; in one of the sacks was about 15 ketchup packets and salt packets and napkins.
“Thank you,” she said, pausing to add, “Come again.” I doubt she meant it.
