Funny Chelsea Handler Quotes: A-List Funny Award Acceptance Speech
“Thank you… I’m a little full now that I just ate Tori Spelling… And I want to thank you that you can take the joke, and I’ll try that it’s very difficult not to tell him that he looks beyond human; he’s mean and he’s not nice , even if it’s true, it’s not nice, so I’m not going to do a job in Hollywood, so thank you for what you did for me;
The funniest part I really think this is how it relates to having a stupid job in Hollywood.
Funny Chelsea Handler Quotes: David Hasselhoff & Paula Abdul
The following words were said to David Hasselhoff:
“I don’t know what you are, but stop sending Paula Abdul.”
Paula Abdul takes a little old jokes, but I think the connection between the two makes it funny.
Funny Chelsea Handler Quotes: So I will drink…
“I went out with a guy who once told me that I don’t need to drink so that I can look around more rope. I told him I drink so that you are more fun to be around.”
This is a funny quote because the conditions are true what he said.
Funny Chelsea Handler Quotes: I don’t trust people
“I don’t believe there are two kinds of people: people who don’t drink and people who collect pamphlets.”
I like this one because, surprisingly or not, I’ve never heard of any collecting sticker jokes.
Funny Chelsea Handler Quotes: Angelina Jolie
“I was rolling with you and he picked up an Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover was a picture of Angelina, Brad and their little boy Eskimo Maddox. I looked at the photo, wondering why that little boy was so pissed off in each of his eyes. At first I thought he was just pissed off about his mohawk, but then I realized Maddox thought he’d hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third world Cambodia, only to discover that he was going to the opposite world, and to every third world country in the world.
The funny thing is that there could be some truth to that statement.
Funny Chelsea Handler Quotes: Heidi Montag
“Looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is over and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and the whole state of Colorado”.
It’s funny at this point because I didn’t see it coming.
Funny Chelsea Handler Quotes: Star Wars Fans
(the line of guys waiting said Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith) “Hey, if you guys are all here, who works at Best Buy?”
I like this word because, true or not, it feels true.
Sources:
Handel, Chelsea. My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Handel, Chelsea. Are you there Vodka? It’s me, Chelsea.
YouTube.com (www.youtube.com)
Hey, Chelsea Lately.
