From time to time we all have the experience of someone being angry at us for something we have said or done (or something we have failed to say or do). Depending on how we respond to the anger, things can become better or they can get a lot worse. Situations that involve anger can damage relationships and can even result in physical harm being inflicted. Therefore, it is important to be able handle these difficult situations well. Through my own experiences as an education professional, mother, daughter, sister, and wife, I have found the following steps to work well in diffusing others anger in my interactions with them:
Step 1: Seek to Understand
First, one needs to figure out what is expected or needed. Let the other person vent without interrupting them or jumping to conclusions regarding their intended message. While they are venting, listen for the underlying fear, the unmet expectation(s), need(s), want(s) or demand(s) being expressed. This information will provide useful insight for determining the root cause of the perceived conflict. You do not have to agree with them, but if you don’t agree, keep that to yourself during this anger diffusing process. Remember that while the other person is angry, your goal is to understand them. Your main focus should be on listening in order accomplish that goal. Also, resist the urge to automatically start formulating a rebuttal in your mind, which will interfere with your ability to truly listen . It is important that you approach the situation without casting judgment on their words or actions. So don’t entertain judgments about them (or what they are saying) in your mind during the listening process, or your body language may betray you.
Step 2: Communicate Nonjudgmental Understanding
After listening (without interrupting), choose your words carefully. For example, don’t respond by saying (or thinking) things like “What is your problem?”. Do not focus on how wrong they are in their thinking or behavior (directly or indirectly). If you find yourself disagreeing with them, try to see the situation through their eyes rather than your own. For example you could say, “I really want to see your viewpoint. Let me see if I’m getting it. It sounds like you’re saying that I’ve been _____. It also sounds like you want me to ______, right?”. Find the “nicest” way to express back to them what it is you think they are afraid of, or what the unmet need, want, or expectation is. Rather than summarizing back to them what you just heard, your goal is to let them know that: a) you listened carefully and understand what they fear, need or expect, or b) you listened carefully and are sincerely trying to understand what it is they fear, need or expect.
If you are unsure what they meant, ask for clarification in a non-aggressive manner. Again, make sure to ask without putting words in their mouth. Focus on asking open-ended questions that will help them explain to you what they need or want in more detail. “I’m not sure what you mean by ______. Could you please give me an example of how to_______?”. Or you can say, “I’m not sure what you mean by____ . Could you give me an example of when (or how ) I _______ ?”. Be careful in the questions you ask or comments you make. Remember that you do not want them to feel judged or that you have a bias against their thoughts, ideas, or feelings.
Step 3: Respond to Defensiveness by Seeking More Understanding
If the other person takes offense to something you just said (they respond to you defensively), resist the urge to defend yourself. Instead, try to paraphrase what you think the other person understood and how they feel about it. For example you could say “So, after you told me ____and I said_______, you felt like ______ .Do you think that means ______?” .
Step 4: Be Agreeable Even if You Disagree
After you are done listening and feel you have reached a clear understanding, even if you disagree with most of what the other person said, try to find something you did agree with regarding what they expect, need, or want. For example you can say “I have to agree that I was ______when you _____ . You’re right. It would have been better if I’d______. Then you (or I ) would (or would not) ______ .
Conclusion
After the angry individual feels understood and knows there is something you can agree on, the anger should dissipate and the conversation can move towards resolving the underlying fear, concern, issue, or problem.
