With divorce becoming more socially acceptable and common in society today, it is no surprise that many adults who escaped a childhood marred by divorce find themselves dealing with that very issue in adulthood. Many parents delay divorce until their children are grown and on their own, trying to spare their children from being shuffled between two houses. They think it will be easier on us if they wait to file until we are off to college or married and raising our own children. While we may have escaped the horrors of custody fights and visitation schedules, adult children face much the same emotional issues as children whose parents divorce when they are young. We just understand the process from an adult perspective.
I think that just about every person whose parents are divorced can remember the day they found out that Mommy and Daddy weren’t going to live together anymore. Whether or not you were a young child or young adult, for most, it probably seemed like your world came crashing down around you. Traumatic enough for young children, it can be just as devastating to adults when they get the news. Most simply put, a divorce is a death; the death of a marriage. As with a death of a loved one, you can expect to go through the normal stages of grief to accept the death of your parents’ marriage. I have outlined the 5 recognized stages of grief below. Expect to pass through all stages, some more quickly than others. The healing process begins with the first of these stages.
First is Denial. “This isn’t really happening!” is pretty much what went through my head when my mother left my dad. At the time, I was 22 and unmarried, still living at home. She and my father had gotten in a huge fight very late one night. She stopped on her way out the door just long enough to inform me that she would never come back. All the while she stayed with a relative, I truly believed in my heart that she would reconcile with my father and return home to the way life was before she left. I thought that this was just a bad fight and they would make up, it just may take time. She held true to her word and eventually got her own apartment, starting a new life without my father. Once she leased an apartment, I began to accept that she wasn’t coming back after all.
After denial comes anger. You are mad at the world and don’t think the situation is fair. You thought they had beaten the odds being married for so long. You thought it must be the true love that your grandparents had. Perhaps you thought your parents had a good, strong marriage, capable of faring any storm, only to find it fall to pieces on a clear, sunny day. My parents had been married 26 years when their marriage broke up. If that isn’t forever, I don’t know what is. Growing up, everything seemed normal. My parents didn’t outwardly appear to have any marital problems. In fact, many if not most of my friends seemed to have divorced parents; the fact that mine were still married was abnormal! The sudden news that your parents don’t love each other anymore sends shockwaves through your heart and soul. Suddenly, you are left to wonder if your seemingly happy childhood was real or imagined. You feel like you were lied to because you were led to think that there was nothing wrong when something clearly was. This is a frustrating phase since you feel so helpless. You are mad at your parents and mad at the situation and there is literally nothing you can do about it.
Eventually, you work through your anger (well, most of it anyway) and wander over to the next stage which is Bargaining. This is where most people fall prey to the peacemaker role, described below. You inadvertently (or sometimes are pressed into service) to act as a go-between to the fighting factions, also known as your parents. This job is as stressful as an air traffic controller’s job. These two planes (your parents), destined for a collision are trying to avoid a hard crash and you are left trying to direct them and relay messages between the two of them. If one or both of your parents aren’t pushing you with comments like, “Just you tell your mother … ” you still possess a strong desire to fix what is wrong. This will only lead you to the role of a mediator. Trust me, this job is best left to an uninterested parties, like their lawyers! Their anger toward each other will most assuredly become toxic to you.
After time, you become saddened and depressed. This is the Depression stage. You miss the way things were, especially holidays. You may even cry because you miss how things used to be and you know that they will never be the same ever again. The first year it is the most difficult. What used to be the whole family together is now extensive planning of being at Mom’s on December 24 for Christmas and Dad’s on December 25. If you have children, this just adds to your stress since both parents will invariably want the same time slot. In time, everyone will learn to compromise. In my family now, with divorced parents on both sides, all remarried, that is four separate Christmases. It is no small feat to coordinate holiday plans with all, but it isn’t impossible. Give yourself some time and you will find that it does get easier.
Finally, you enter the Acceptance phase. You know your parents are not going to reconcile and you learn to work around the stumbling blocks. You want them to both be happy, even if it isn’t with each other. At last, you have completed the grief process. Much like a “real” death, the process can take a few years. Don’t feel that you have to rush yourself.
So, now that you understand the grief process, what do you need to know to get you through these troubled times? First and foremost, you must set rules and stick to them. Much like you tested your parents’ limits with your behavior as a child; they are going to test their limits with you. Many women have a best friend type of relationship with their mother. This is one of the largest pitfalls. Just because you can discuss fashion and politics with your mother does not mean that you should have to listen to all of the dirty laundry of their marriage. Ignorance is bliss. If one of your parents had an affair, you don’t want to know, trust me! If your parent begins to tell you all about it, firmly tell them that you love and need them BOTH and that you just do not want to hear about it and then change the subject. This is your parent’s childish way of trying to win you over to their side by besmirching the other parent. Such is the nature of warfare, Allied vs. Axis powers, everyone trying to line up support for their side. Refuse to let your parents drag you into their battle. If you have siblings, this tug-of-war can cause serious family relationship problems, not to mention hard feelings. If you align yourself with one parent and your brother aligns himself with the other, this will undoubtedly lead to a fight between the two of you over your parents! So chat with your brothers and sisters and all agree that you will all avoid choosing sides. The same goes for those relatives who have already clearly chosen sides. Do not tolerate their attempts to slander and demean your other parent. It is cruel to you and no one ever wants to be subjected to others speaking badly about your parents. Be direct and tell them that your parents are not a topic for discussion.
Secondly, try very hard to avoid the peacemaker role. You cannot fix everything so don’t even try. It is up to your parents to seek marriage counseling; you are not their counselor, nor should you try to be. It is up to you to act as a referee for your squabbling parents. Acting as a messenger and relaying information will only bring you heartache and make you feel tormented, like a man with no country. Relaying messages leaves you open to your parent thinking that you are siding with them, when in fact you are not. The same goes for spying. Avoid any attempts of the other parent trying to get information out of you about what the other parent is doing. You should strive to be neutral like Switzerland! If you feel yourself being pulled into the fray, refer to rule number 1.
The third rule of surviving your parents’ divorce is dealing with the possibility that your parent is going to find someone else. It goes without saying that this is upsetting to us. We just spent 20 years of our life having photographs taken with our father in the picture next to our mother, and suddenly out of nowhere appears some other guy! Mom is eager to have us “fall in love” with her new man, while we are left wondering how she skipped past all of those grief steps and jumped ahead to the end. It is unfair of your parents to expect an instant love for their newfound friend. Unfortunately, it is a reality for most of us. People divorce hoping for something better to come along and often find it not too long after the split, if not before. In this situation, force a smile and be cordial. You never know, this could end up being your new step-father down the road.
The fourth and most important survival tip is that you need to talk about your feelings too. Find a friend who has been there before and commiserate. If you have siblings, go to them for support because they are in the same boat that you are right now. Divorce isn’t easy for anyone involved. Some parents may dismiss your feelings thinking that since you are out of the nest, so to speak , that it isn’t any of your business what they do, That thinking does not negate your feelings and how their divorce is going to affect you. Seek solace in others. Read up on the subject or join a support group if necessary.
Finally, cut yourself some slack. My parents have been divorced more than a decade and sometimes I wake up in the morning after dreaming that they are together. I accepted their divorce long ago and both of my parents have remarried. It isn’t a sin to reminisce about the good old times and it is ok to secretly still want your parents to be together. Just don’t tell them that.
