My fiance and I talk about anything and everything, so when I told him I had never had a Pap Smear before, he was shocked – and concerned. I mean, here I am, 26 years old, sexually active and well into womanhood, and I had never been to a “lady doctor” before to save my life. And that’s just it – getting a Pap Smear can potentially save your life – by letting you know if your “lady parts” are in the right position, to see if you have cysts in your ovaries, to get tested for STDs (optional) and have your membranes swiped to be tested for dangerous things like Cervical Cancer. A Pap Smear appointment is a great time to get your breasts examined for breast cancer by a professional, and a terrific time to discuss your female concerns with your doctor.
And I had never had a Pap Smear before? My fiance immediately began coaxing me into making the decision to go to a “lady doctor” to have a Pap Smear done, stating that while it would be uncomfortable for me, it was something I needed to do for my health and overall reproductive and female well being. I refused to budge- I had gone this far without one, I was healthy, and no way in Hell was I going to demean myself and put my feet in stirrups with my naked ass in the air so somebody could poke and prod around my business. Nuh uh. No way. No how. No go. I firmly refused.
Well, God intervened and blessed me with a bladder infection that struck out of nowhere about a week later and had me doubled over in pain at work with tears rolling down my cheeks while I was checking in guests at the hotel. I called my fiance to bring me anything cranberry to try to knock out my severe pain so I could avoid the clinic. God further pushed me along by allowing me to wake up the next morning in agony, so off to the clinic we went.
I was further blessed by being assigned a female doctor who didn’t force me into stirrups and prescribed me antibiotics and informed a lot of drinking water and frequent urination to avoid a future bladder infection- and then she asked me when my last Pap Smear was. My fiance answered for me- “She’s never had one.” After gentle ass chewing on her part, I reluctantly agreed to return the following week for a Pap Smear since she wanted to make sure I had knocked out my bladder infection anyhow. My fiance was beaming as we went out to the car about how proud he was of me for at least making the appointment.
The day of the appointment, I was an absolute wreck. My fiance had volunteered to take time off work to go with me- and with the appointment at 4 in the afternoon, it gave me ample time to freak the Hell out over the ordeal, and by the time he got home to take me to the “lady doctor”- I was near tears, shaking uncontrollably and whining that I was going to throw up.
We went anyhow, waiting in the waiting room with like a gazillion people there, which made me all the more nervous. When the CNA handed me my gown, I put it on backwards since I had never worn one before, and my fiance had to put it on me the correct way and cover my legs with the sheet they provided since I was too shaky to hold it. I sat on that table like I was about to be guillotined and when the doctor finally walked in, I just about bolted.
My apprehension increased as she explained to me all the little doo-hickies she was going to shove up inside me, and when she put the gloves on and told me to just slide my butt down and put my feet in those dreaded stirrups, I slid my ass down like I was shooting down a hill and overshot the stirrups, where she had to catch me so I wouldn’t end up with my ass on the floor. Oh, goodness. After proper replacement, with my vagina properly exposed for all to see, she gelled up and did her thing, with me glaring at my fiance who was holding my hand, gently stroking my hair and murmuring sweet nothings in the hopes I wouldn’t punch him in the face.
The only thing that was even slightly uncomfortable was the swabbing inside me, which was a weird scratchy feeling, and everything else I basically don’t even remember. I may have just temporarily blocked the whole thing out- I don’t know- but all of a sudden after a minute or so, the doc was telling me, “All finished- looks good!” and told me I could get dressed, which I did at lightning speed, putting my underwear on backwards and forgetting to put on my socks.
She asked me if I wanted to get STD testing done, which I declined since I’ve been tested in the past (blood work) and told me what the little vial she had gathered was for. It was to be sent off to a lab to test for Cervical Cancer, and after a few minutes of trying to get me to ask questions about my female health, she bid me good job and good day, and told me she’d see me in 6 months to a year. Woo hoo! I did it!
My fiance coddled me as I shook and nearly cried in the car on the way home, taking me out for ice cream even though I refused to budge out of the car. Licking at my “strawberry cheesequake” from Dairy Queen with distracted abandon, I finally looked at my fiance and exclaimed in a meek voice, “That really wasn’t that bad. He squeezed my hand and said, “I knew you could do it.”
Ladies, even if you’re terrified of getting a Pap Smear done (like I was) it’s an uncomfortable moment that is over in about 15 minutes or so. This includes the little visit after the ordeal when you’re all dressed and wanting to bolt out of the door. There is no greater feeling than just getting it over with, and getting the “all clear and healthy” phone call a week later about your test results. I can’t say I’ll do any better with my next Pap Smear (which my fiance lovingly already scheduled a year in advance), but at least I know I can do it. It doesn’t hurt, isn’t really that embarrassing because you can’t see yourself under your gown, and it’s essential for your health. If you’re scared to get a Pap Smear done, take someone with you who you trust and squeeze their hand like you’re trying to break it, relax, and just get the ordeal over with.
