I’m no Nostradamus, but occasionally I do like to don my psychic hat, channel the spirits of dead rock stars, and predict the future. It’s a big hit at parties and a lot of fun to do. Usually the rock star spirits are full of fun and games — as rock stars usually are –but this time they kind of laid a major bummer on me: they predicted the end of the world in the year 2142.
To prepare myself for this psychic session I fasted for three days, did 20 push-ups, took a nice hot bath, ate a multi-vitamin, and meditated to the latest Kenny G. album. Once I was relaxed enough I went into a trance by repeating the words “Bula Mahooty Bula” and I channeled the spirit of Elvis Presley. (Yes, he really is dead!) Elvis informed me that the future was “a good pair of blue suede shoes, man.” I then quickly unchanneled Elvis and went to my “go to” spirits: Joey Ramone, Keith Moon, and Ace Frehley (even though Ace isn’t dead yet).
This is what my “go to” dead rock star spirits told me will happen in the years up to and including 2142:
In the year 2011: In a bizarre experiment, Michael Jackson’s nose will be cloned into a new King of Pop. However, the experiment will be a failure as the clone re-invents himself as a politician and is elected mayor of Zap, a small town in North Dakota (pop. 203).
In the year 2012: panic will spread as people predict doom due to to the Mayan calendar expiring. However, order and stability will be restored as an ancient Yiddish calendar is discovered, which coincidentally begins at the year 2012 and a half.
In the year 2016: after a seven year wait, Axl Rose will release “Chinese Democracy II”, the “real’ album he intended to release in 2009.
In the year 2020: the world of music will suffer a tragic loss when a giant bat goes berserk and bites the head off Ozzy Osbourne.
In the year 2024: the 2024 version of the Apple iPod will be the size of a penny. The controls, however, will be so tiny it will be impossible to use.
In the year 2029: a comet will plummet and strike the earth. The comet will be the size of a peanut, however, and will do no damage other than a small hole in an elderly woman’s roof in Plattsburg, New York.
In the year 2030: Hollywood will produce no movies this year, as they will have finally run out of 1970-80’s television shows to remake.
In the year 2038: there will be 50,000 channels on cable television, all but one of them showing nothing but non-stop celebrity reality shows. The lone hold-out will be the Cartoon Network channel, which will run nothing but reality cartoons.
In the year 2044: the SUV will still be the most popular vehicle in the United States and will average in length thirty-five feet, the length of a city bus.
In the year 2046: thanks to the popularity of the monster SUVs, oil supplies will officially run out. Panic will spread as people are forced to walk again. The electric go-cart will make a big comeback.
In the year 2052: the price of a gallon of milk will be $45.00, the price of a loaf of bread will be $18.00, the price of a used Moby CD will be sixty-four cents.
In the year 2068: thanks to advancements in medical science, the life expectancy of the average human being will be 88 years, except for the Irish who will continue to drink themselves to death at early ages.
In the year 2100: cats and dogs will become super intelligent and acquire the power of speech. A new cell phone plan will be invented just for them.
In the year 2123: Keith Richards, the only surviving Rolling Stone at 180 years in age, will release his long awaited fifth solo album, “Main Street Offender”, and promote it with a world tour.
In the year 2142: the world and life as we know it will officially come to an end. It will not be a nuclear war or a man-made disaster that wipes out the earth, nor will it be famine, earthquakes, disease, space aliens, massive tidal waves, global warming, comets, or any other natural calamity… instead, the earth will simply die of boredom.
There you go! The end of the world in the year 2142! We still have a bit of time left so don’t despair. And who knows, maybe my “go to” dead rock star spirits will be wrong this time. Maybe Elvis Presley was right — the future is just “a good pair of blue suede shoes.”
