When we see a young girl who is obviously pregnant and we know that she is just a teen we often can’t help but worry that a “baby” will soon be raising a baby . But it seems that with our rising age of life expectancy we can expect to see another challenging mismatch on the other end of the age spectrum. More and more baby boomers who have moved into their sixties and are just beginning to get a taste of early retirement, today are finding themselves taking on the task of caring for parents who are now in their 80’s. A surprising side effect of better health care and longer lives, seniors taking care of seniors has its challenges and rewards
What’s All the Fuss About?. Until you are in the middle of a domestic situation in which 60 year old “children” find themselves taking care of their 80 year old parents you may wonder what all the fuss is about. Haven’t people been taking care of their aging parents for all eternity? Are people today more selfish or less caring then previous generations? What ‘s the problem here anyway? When you find yourself personally involved in a situation where seniors are caring for seniors you begin to see the real challenges and difficulties that arise.
To begin with people moving into their 60’s are also moving into their retirement years. For them their sixties were going to be “their ” time. In their grand scheme of things they would have already taken care of all their earthly responsibilities and as retirees could take the time to do all those things they had put off doing all their lives. People getting ready to retire most likely have just about finished paying off college bills for their children, their home is paid for, they finally have a decent car, or two, in the garage. In generations past, by the time you reached your sixties you would also have put in your time caring for your aging parents most of whom would be either in a nursing home or deceased.
Retirement could be a real joy. You could travel, watch your grandchildren grow, start some new hobbies, meet new people, go out to dinner whenever you wished, maybe even build that retirement home of your dreams. Retirement really could be a wonderful time. But then life expectancy in America just kept increasing and health care kept improving and somehow out of the blue people about to be seniors and start their retirement found that their burden was just about to begin Their aging parents were still living on their own but now required almost daily surveillance and often a whole lot more.
Older seniors are being encouraged and assisted more and more to stay at home and many are doing so. While many octogenarians experience many positive effects by being able to stay at home, that lifestyle is likely to produce new physical, mental and emotional strain on those 60 year olds who must take on mammoth new responsibility precisely when they thought that they were done with stress.
The physical problems for seniors taking care of seniors can be considerable. At 60 you no longer have the same fortitude or raw strength that you had at 50. While you may be fit, you are 60 but your octogenarian parents don’t recognize it . They are likely to see themselves as older and you as simply younger and forget the real ages that are involved. Parents in their eighties are not evil, they just don’t see why their “child” can’t do everything he or she did 10 or 15 years ago. Instead they readily create a list of chores that will include everything and anything. On the chore list for a 60ish child will be things like take out trash, drive long distances, go up and down stairs multiple times, move furniture, lift groceries,mow the lawn, shovel snow, rake leaves, do weeding and planting. Even a sixty year old in relatively good shape can find the addition of such physical labor, to his or her existing load to be physically demanding.
Being responsible for your eighty year old mother, in your own home or in hers , is also mentally taxing. You will find as you move into your sixties that some mental tasks you used to perform routinely become more taxing, more of strain, more energy sapping then they were ten years ago. Balancing your check book, paying bills, working on your taxes, planning for home improvement or repairs , setting up doctors appointments are tasks that your retirement can allow you to do at a leisurely pace. But when you realize that you have to do these things for yourself and your parents , mentally you may very well begin to feel like you are on over drive.
But of course the most serious challenges can be the emotional ones. Worn down by the physical and mental demands of your own at age 60 and by the continuing demands placed on you by aging parents, you may find that your emotional stability is affected. Even if you have always been relaxed and low key , all the added stress that you are under can make you impatient, angry, edgy , and anxious. You may feel trapped , overwhelmed, overexteneded and overwrought. There really are days when it seems there is no way out. The worst part of all may be the fact that you love your parents and always thought you would be really good at caring for them when they grew older. You are likely to become very frustrated and wonder why it is that you aren’t handling things better. Lots of seniors caring of seniors experience guilt over their inability to do a better job for their parents.
Then one day you remember , you are 60. Once you come to the recognition that you can’t do at 60 what you could at 40 and apply that recognition to your care of your 80 year old parents you may begin to see a change in your overall situation.
The Good News About Seniors Taking Care of Seniors
Seeing yourself clearly as a senior taking care of a senior can really make all he difference in the world. When you begin to acknowledge that the great care you saw your mom give your grandmother was a little easier because your mom was 45 and your grandmother 70 , then the guilt and feelings of inadequacy should begin to melt away leaving you free to enjoy some of the good things about being a senior caring for a senior.
First, at 60 and 80 you are more likely to share the same values, interests and concerns. You and your aging parents really do think much more alike now than perhaps you ever did. You have all gone through the major phases of life at different times, but now you seem to have settled into the same phase together. You talk the same language: medications, doctors appointments, social security, retirement checks. Your parents may have been in this phase of life longer but you all have the same basic concerns. Because you share so much in common the areas of conflict hopefully will be reduced
Second, your pattern of living may be more similar now than different . When you first reach sixty you may still stay up late occasionally or go out on the town once in a while but you will surely notice that more and more you are ready to retire early and probably get up early too. And you know that you love that afternoon nap that you once thought you would never need. So do your 80 year old parents. You need the bathroom more often, don’t like big heavy meals like you used to, enjoy less fried and spicy foods, don’t care for huge crowds, and need to keep your doctors appointments regularly. It’s a pattern your parents at 80 clearly understand and appreciate.
Third, you discover that you and your generation have been the recipients of a great blessing. Seniors caring for seniors while not as physically adept, mentally agile or emotionally under control as they might have been at 40, bring to the care of their 80 year old parent a compassion that they have spent a life time acquiring. At the outset of their own sunset years they have a glimmer already of the hopes, the expectations and the fears of people in the process of aging. Being free of a job and care of your own family does provide you with free time, and of course you will want to use some of that time for yourself and your spouse. But there is also time, lots of time, for you to spend with your aging parents. You always wanted to be there for them. Just because you pictured yourself being there for them when you were young and active doesn’t mean that your goal can’t be reached. It may mean that the care you do give is gentler, less rushed and more tender than you ever imagined it could be, just because you too are getting older.
Babyboomers and their parents are living longer lives, that’s a good thing. Each day seniors caring for seniors get to spend together is a blessing to be enjoyed. Yes there will be challenges aplenty but the rewards of being there to care for the people who gave you life are beyond measure. in the process feel free to see yourself as a kind of pioneer blazing a new trail for generations to come. If you turn around you will see your children in their 30’s watching how a senior cares for a senior and learning by your example.
