Working at a funeral home for several years has given me some insight into how some people are at a loss when it comes to funeral etiquette. What do they do, what do they say, can they show up and leave before the service? The following is just strictly my opinion and not by any means written in stone.
Wake, viewing, calling, service, memorial are all words describing parts of the actual funeral. If there is a viewing you can assume there will be an open casket for people to have one last chance to see the deceased before they are put to eternal rest. If it is a wake or calling there may or may not be an open casket. Calling is just another word for coming to pay your respects to the family. I have actually had people literally call the funeral home during these hours to pay their respects and had to awkwardly tell them that the term “calling” meant they could physically come to see the family. There is not always an opportunity to meet with the family before a funeral. Some families choose to fore go this and just simply have a service with the casket closed. If the person has been cremated or if the family wishes to have something private they may decide just to have a memorial at a later date.
How long will the service last? This was a common phone call which is not an inappropriate one, people sometimes must make arrangements to miss some work or hire babysitters. The answer however is not so easy, it all depends on who is conducting the service, are family members or friends going to speak and if so how many and for how long. There is no way to actually tell this but generally I would tell people half hour to about an hour. I would also suggest to people that if they had time constraints they could come to the viewing or calling pay their respects and then be on their way, they were not required to stay for the service. However if there was a large turnout, especially if the deceased was younger, people should expect that there would be significant time spent in line to meet with the family.
What do I wear? Well that is completely up to the individual but I highly recommend something appropriate. Jeans, shorts or flip flops belong at the barbecue or baseball field not at a funeral. I have seen it all even some women that dress as if it were a nightclub with cleavage to attract the masses. Just be respectful, you don’t necessarily have to wear suits and ties but dress as though you were going to a nice restaurant.
Should I bring the kids? Well that is strictly a decision to be made by the parents regarding the individual child. Some questions parents should ask themselves are; Will there be an open casket? And if there was would my child be comfortable with it. How would my child react if someone got extremely emotional? Emotions will always be at their extreme and one has to remember this when they consider bringing children. When my mom passed away I chose not to have my two year old at the viewing not because of my daughter but because of me. I could not emotionally handle the inevitable “Grandmas sleeping” kind of comments. If I had taken her it would have had no impact on her and she would not remember it. Most of my nieces and nephews were there ranging from age 5 to 18 and most chose to sit in another room. Never force a child to confront death, I have seen this attempted several times and the outcome is very unpredictable. It is not absolutely necessary to say a final goodbye right then and there for a child there are other ways to do this.
What do I say? There are many phrases that are so commonly used when someone passes away; “sorry for your loss”, “it’s a blessing they no longer have to suffer”, “they are in a better place”, “it is a shock to all of us” all of these are okay to say. There is no script for this and it is said with the best intentions. If words fail you then just a simple hug, warm handshake, or gentle pat on the shoulder. The grieving family does not really know what to say either, they just appreciate the support. My family has always used humor as an outlet; some people think this is appalling to be laughing at a time of death. No we are not belly laughing on the floor; we are just remembering good times and using humor to pull us through our grief. If you are close to the family who has had a loss you will have a feeling how they are dealing with their emotions and whether to stroll down memory lane or just say some kind gentle words. I personally just bring up my favorite thing about the person similar to “Your mom was always such an easy person to talk to” or “your brother always made me laugh” or “I always admired how dedicated your dad was” These kind of phrases validates the deceased’s existence and lets the family know you knew that person was special. This is important to families that is why you see such long obituaries, the family is conveying what a truly extraordinary person this was to them.
Do I send flowers? Unless the obituary specifically states no flowers feel free to send flowers. If you are not sure what to send just ask the florist what they recommend in your price range. Funeral homes can recommend florist and may even be able to tell you what florist the family is using. Just let the florist know which funeral home is holding the service and they will contact the funeral home to see what time flowers need to be delivered. If the paper said in lieu of flowers you can still send flowers if you would like to but you could make a contribution to the suggested charity. However if you choose to make a contribution you do not have to make it to this particular charity, if you have a favorite charity and would like to do something in that person’s memory that is fine. The charity in the paper is only a suggested charity, any donation made in someone’s memory would be appreciated. When making the donation include a letter with a check stating who it is in memory of and ask that an acknowledgment be sent to the family. The charity should then let the family know a donation was made to them in that person’s name.
Some other things to keep in mind are funeral homes will not release names and addresses of family members this is a privacy issue. Also they will not reveal the cause of death, curiosity gets the best of people but the funeral home is not to disclose this information. And one more thing to remember is to have an idea where you are going although a funeral home will try to assist you if you call and are lost, they may not be familiar with where you are or what would be the best way for you to go.
Losing someone is a very painful experience but by attending a funeral you are giving support and validation to their family in a time of need. If you cannot attend any of the service a simple card or note a couple of weeks or months down the road can be a continued support system. No matter what the gesture I guarantee it is appreciated.
