I am a happily married woman. My husband is (as far as I know) a happily married man. We have an open, loving, and highly communicative relationship. And yet, every time we go out to eat, my husband flirts outrageously with the waitress. Inevitably, the waitress is a cute, young, happy girl with bright eyes and clear skin, the kind of girl that makes me want to curl up and die. I’m only in my mid-twenties, but I still feel old compared to them, especially when I’m out eating with my husband and two children. And the waitress is, inevitably, flirting right back, right in front of me! The nerve!
But I could hardly be bothered to notice; after all, the host who sat us is really cute and I just “accidentally” dropped my fork. My husband’s cheerful grins and overly-chivalrous speech are miles away. When the host returns with a new fork, I engage him in some cute chit-chat about clumsiness. This goes unnoticed by my husband.
After dinner, we swap stories; whose flirtations were more effective? Who would have gotten a phone number first? The conversation is light-hearted, happy. We are not bothered by our spouse’s behavior.
The truth of the matter is, human beings are a social species. We require attention, and will fight for it under any circumstances. Even if we are getting “enough” attention from those closest to us, we still need more, and we will still get more. It is with this understanding that my husband and I have allowed one another to flirt with other people. We flirt with our friends, he flirts with the barista, I flirt with the mailman. And the benefits have been significant and surprising.
First, flirting makes you feel good. There are no two ways about it: when you let someone know you think they are attractive and they return the favor, this exchange of admiration can do nothing but build up your self-esteem. Some studies have even shown that simply being around a variety of pheremonal odors can increase brain function (or maybe it just feels that way!), similar to gingko biloba.
Second, in an existing strong relationship, the concept of a little non-threatening competition can increase passion, leading to better sex, more fulfilling conversation, and a touch of that mystery that drew you to one another in the first place. It gives me practice, making me better at flirting with my husband, which can really only lead to good things.
Flirting with a stranger can be a very rewarding and selfless act. If you’ve ever been the victim of a crummy day, only to have your mood uplifted by a suggestive wink or a well-timed and genuine compliment, believe that you can do the same for someone else! You have no idea how many nasty people that delivery guy has had to deal with today. You might be the first cute, attractive, friendly person he’s seen all week. Why not give him a reason to feel a little better about his day?
Finally, flirting is a well-known stress-reducing activity. Indulging in the fantasy – however minor – of a different possible future can be an extremely effective way to take your mind off a stressful or discouraging topic, and it can even help you to put things into perspective. We cannot be 100% in the trenches all the time, and allowing ourselves such “microvacations” can be both thrilling and relaxing.
Of course, always keep your eyes open, and be aware if things approach a dangerous level. If someone gives you the creeps, makes outright sexual advances, or otherwise behaves in a way that makes you feel weird, end the interaction there. Make sure that harmless flirting doesn’t turn into actual attraction if you’re already committed to someone else. Use your brain and don’t bite off more than you can chew. But definitely do have fun with it! Allow it to flow naturally, and you’ll find it to be a stimulating and rewarding experience.
