Introduction
Every college dropout is aware that intoxicating mystery-liquids can be had in gallons for prices barely exceeding those of Saudi crude. Identifying these products is not the purpose of this guide
Instead, I aim to reveal the cheapest drinkable hooch on the American market. If you simply desire the most inexpensive product, period, know that the cheapest (and most disgusting) product listed here costs eight dollars a bottle.
Anything cheaper than that is madness.
Now that the “I’ll drink anything” crowd has lurched from our sight, let’s take a look at the products that deliver drinkable firewater within the means of students and the unemployed. Regarding the inevitable aftermath, choice hangover tips can be found at the conclusion of this article.
Ground Rules
RULE #1 : When you are investing a lone Alexander Hamilton(yes, $10), suppress the urge to get fancy: the more exotic the liquor, the more corners the distiller will cut in order to sell it to you. The results will not be pleasant.
RULE #2: Whatever you buy, always plan on freezing it before you drink it. This will help immeasurably in reducing the awfulness of shots and mixed drinks alike.
RULE #3: Buying in bulk is a common sense practice which obviously spares you some cash, given proper foresight.
Thoughts on Variety
Let me say at the outset that vodka is virtually the only thing worth buying on the cheap. It is very difficult to produce a tolerable whisky/rum/tequila etc for the bottom shelf crowd.
If, for example, you plan on buying a “tequila” for ten dollars or less, you aren’t exactly getting tequila; cheap brands contain very little of the agave plant that predominates in the genuine article. Whisky, rum, etc also suffer from glaring defects when sold for a pittance.
More importantly, the more flavorful bargain-spirits tend to be engorged with fusel oils and cogeners – the vomit-inducing, hangover-producing compounds that aggravate most drinkers in the morning. Vodka, being the easiest spirit to manufacture cleanly, is therefore an ideal choice for the budget minded booze-hound.
The Best in Cheap Vodka
Best Vodka for the Price:
Svedka
Price: $12 U.S. per 750ml bottle.
Country of Origin: Sweden
Taste:
+Very Inoffensive.
+Discreet when mixed.
-Won’t satisfy elitist vodka snobs
Hangover Potential: Very Low
Value: Superb
Mini-Review
Svedka is simply the best there is in the world of low-end liquor. At roughly twelve dollars a bottle, it is on the higher end of cheap for sure, but it will set you back no more than a bottle of inferior Smirnoff.
More importantly, it blows away every other vodka available at this price point. It is excellent in mixed drinks, good in martinis and quite satisfactory in shots. Very few will be able to tell the difference between this and something like Absolut. Try to pass it off as such, and chances are you will succeed.
Svedka’s hangover profile matches that of high end vodkas, too. Highly recommended!
The Absolute Cheapest Drinkable Vodka:
Barton’s Charcoal Filtered Vodka
Price: $8 per liter, $13+ per 1.75 liter
Origin: Kentucky, U.S.A.
Taste:
+Tolerable when mixed
+Less revolting when chilled
-terrible for shots
-keep it out of your martini
-poor taste when mixed heavily
Hangover Potential: Moderate
Value: Good
Mini Review:
I beseech you; do not spend less money than what Barton’s vodka requires. You might as well abstain if you can’t afford this spirit. Whether or not you find the product’s promise of “charcoal filtering” reassuring, Barton’s Vodka is the thriftiest bottle of liquor worthy of anyone’s consideration.
When properly chilled and mixed, Barton’s is both drinkable and fantastically cheap. It is also less likely to give you a hangover than other brands at this price and below. Suggestion: Barton’s is most inoffensive when used in sweet drinks with multiple ingredients.
Vodkas to AVOID at all costs:
Karkov
Popov
Bukoff
Aristocrat (winner: misnomer award)
Hawkeye
Phillips
Nikolai
Commissar
Buying any one of these is a mistake.
As a general rule, avoid anything made in the U.S. bearing a trashy/comical Russian sounding name.
If You Must: Tolerable Whisky on the Low End
Jim Beam:
Price: $11+ per 750ml
Origin: Clermont, Kentucky
Taste:
+Mixes quite well with a coke
+Better than most competitors in the price range
-not for sippin’
-unpleasant on the rocks
-will displease anyone who has any taste in better whiskies
Hangover Potential: High
Value: Above Average
Mini-Review
Jim Beam is certainly worth looking at; anything cheaper tends to be revolting, and anything substantially better proves considerably more expensive. It is fine for general purpose mixing, and is overall a good juggler of price and drink-ability.
Unfortunately, Jim Beam is far more likely to produce a hangover than the aforementioned products. In this sense, it is a poor choice compared to Svedka, but if you insist upon a cheap whisky this is likely the best you’ll find from most retailers.
Playing with Fire: The Everclear Paradox
Everclear:
Price: $8 dollars per 375ml, $14+ per 750ml
Origin: St.Louis, Missouri
*Flammability: Very High!!!
*Poisoning Risk: Very High!!!
Taste:
-Tastes like a lab chemical
-Utterly undrinkable unless heavily diluted
+Satisfactory in properly mixed drinks
Value: Superb
Hangover Risk: Very Low (when used MODERATELY)
Risk of Death: Higher than you might imagine
Mini Review:
First things first: Everclear has an incredibly bad reputation, and it is wholly deserved. It can consist of up to 95 percent grain alcohol, and is literally banned from sale in Minnesota, California, Ohio and Michigan. Elsewhere, Everclear is often marketed conservatively or otherwise sold behind the counter. This stuff can be an absolute horror show in the wrong hands. BE VERY CAREFUL
Nevertheless, Everclear can be an excellent bargain mixer with a low hangover potential. That’s right; you read correctly, the moderate consumption of Everclear is quite unlikely to give you a hangover. This is true simply because there is little room for impurity in a product that contains little else but alcohol.
Moderate, however, takes on new meaning when you are doling out 95 percent grain alcohol. Everclear is two and a half times more potent than standard forty proof, so keep that in mind when mixing it. Never take pure shots of it, either, unless you feel you’ve already lived a long and full life.
The Bottom line: X drinks made with Everclear will be much less head-ache inducing than X drinks made with almost anything else..PROVIDED you keep the right proportions. As a precaution, I would suggest buying only as much as you need to make a large batch of moderately alcoholic punch.
Remember: Use a third of what you would normally use when employing Everclear in your mixed drinks. Don’t even purchase this product unless you have iron discipline and someone sober to monitor any outrageous consumption. You’ve been warned.
Thwarting Reality: The 6-Stage Hangover Slayer
What you will need:
- A can of Coke(or pepsi, but not diet)
- A small bottle of V-8 vegetable juice
- Alka Seltzer Tablets
- A greasy meal of your choice
- Benedryl (or generic diphenhydramine tablets)
- Multi-Vitamin Tablets (cheapest possible)
Instructions:
#1: Wake up…and get the worst out of the way: chug your can of V-8 vegetable juice. Why? Because V-8 and similar products contain the nutrients that drinkers lack, the very same they are robbed of during nights of indulgence.
Can this step be eliminated by drinking V-8 bloody marys the night before? Yes, yes it can. That’s quick thinking.
#2: Eat a greasy meal. Why? It will be delicious, and it will make you feel better. A time tested measure.
#3: After your meal, consume a few vitamin pills. This builds upon the advantage V-8 gives you. It matters little which brand, whether Centrum, Flinstone’s chewable, or something marketed to women over 50. They are all essentially the same; just be sure to A) take them after your meal (helps with absorption) and B) take multiple pills (because no one pill will be wholly absorbed).
#4: Pour your coke into a glass. Drop two Alka Seltzer tabs into it. Yes, that’s right, into the same glass. Once fully dissolved, drink the solution(it doesn’t taste bad). You’ve now raised your blood sugar, which will alleviate the weak/shaky feeling typical of a hangover. You’ve also consumed aspirin, which when combined with the caffeine in the Coke will hopefully end your headache prematurely. The other ingredients in Alka Seltzer will hopefully mimimize any gastric distress.
#5: Take two Benadryl tabs (50mgs total), no more, no less. Don’t do this if you plan on driving/operating heavy machinery. Don’t do this if you have a known liver problem. Benadryl is a sedative antihistamine, which means it will alleviate any nascent congestion while helping you to sleep away your hangover. When shopping, you can save money by purchasing any generic pill consisting of 25mg diphenhydramine (provided it contains nothing else in addition).
#6: Start/Continue to drink water. This probably goes without saying; dehydration is a primary cause of the classic hangover symptoms.
If these steps fail you, then there is probably little else than can be done. My sympathies.
