That’s right: crazy hot chicks. And we’re not using “crazy” as an adverb to emphasize the unbelievable degree of hotness that these chicks possess. No, these smokin’ hot babes are crazy like Lindsay Lohan with a knife after an all-night cocaine bender. You know the type; you’d do her, but only if she didn’t know your address.
1. Lola, Transporter 2 (2005)
This well toned, gun-toting, lingerie-wearing psychopath takes the cake in this category. Despite the fact that Kate Natua looks a bit like a throwback to 1980s heroine chic, she’s got enough muscle tone and cleavage to please the majority of functioning men out there. In addition, what Natua’s character lacks in body mass (just imagine how easy it’d be to throw her around in the bedroom, though…) she certainly makes up for in overt sexual availability and uninhibited firepower. Some of Lola’s most inspiring displays include her escape from the doctor’s office during which she tears after Frank Martin (Jason Statham), riddling police cars and men alike with round after round from the massive pistols she’s packing. And while she makes her great kidnapping/escape, Lola manages not only to maintain perfect balance, but to keep up a break-neck pace in a pair of three-inch, electric red high heels that she must’ve stolen from Pamela Anderson’s closet.
With cliché yet suggestive lines like “My problem isn’t physical… it’s psychological” (a.k.a. “I’m f*@ked in the head, but that’ll just make the sex better…”), and “You’re quite a guy. Another time, another place. You and me…. the pleasure we could have” (a.k.a. “The pleasure we will have if I ever get you alone in a car again…”), Lola establishes herself as not only uninhibited, but as the kind of weird hot chick that would let you do all kinds of crazy shit to her in the bedroom… or on the coffee table… or in an elevator… um, you get the picture.
2. Gloria, Wedding Crashers (2005)
Redheads are hot. And if you’ve ever dated one, you also know that they’re crazy (and that they tend to be closet nymphomaniacs… yeah, go get yourself a redhead, boys). Gloria Cleary, the daughter of Secretary of State Cleary (Christopher Walken) in the popular comedy Wedding Crashers, is played by the usually sweet-and-innocent-looking yet nevertheless completely bangable Isla Fisher.
Besides the first clue, red hair, the movie also gives us numerous additional indicators that Gloria is highly unstable, including the fact that she portrays herself as a deflowered virgin to Jeremy (Vince Vaughn)after they do the deed-and why in all hell would any woman want to admit to being a virgin, especially if she isn’t one? Unless you want to send the man in your bed screaming in the opposite direction… Gloria then proceeds to tell Vaughn’s character, “Jeremy, we are going to be so happy together! I love you!” Wait, what? Love? Uhh… yeah I just remembered that there’s this thing that I was supposed to do with this person I know at this place and uhh… see you later!
If the clingy, psychotic nature of “Don’t ever leave me… cause I’d find you” Gloria isn’t enough to prove her mental instability, then the temper tantrum she has over bringing Jeremy home for the weekend after the wedding ought to seal the deal. Or how about the fact that we find out at the end of the movie that she’s actually making it all up, that’s she wasn’t a virgin, that she isn’t limited to the maturity capacity of a six-year-old child, and that her only problem is being a crazy, red-headed nymphomaniac?
3. Xenia Zirgauna Onatopp, 007: Goldeneye (1995)
You know what else is hot? Foreign chicks. Unfortunately for you guys out there, they’re usually crazy, too. In the case of Xenia, she’s crazy in both the good way and the bad way. For instance: sweaty, rough, ear-biting, scream-inducing sex? Hot. And while having the life squeezed out of you by Xenia’s deliciously muscled thighs would afford you a first-class view of her well toned abs and voluptuous rack, ending up a stiff-and we don’t mean in the good way-stark naked corpse in a tiny closet on some boat (like that chubby Admiral Xenia kills; famous last words: “Xenia, I can’t breathe!”) isn’t exactly the most desirable way to exit this world.
Luckily for… well, everyone… Famke Janssen appeared in 007: Goldeneye as the gun-wielding, card-playing, helicopter-flying, cigarette smoking Xenia Onatopp in 1995, nearly a full decade before her unbelievable body, perfect facial bone structure and overwhelming sex appeal were virtually destroyed by her role as “that chick who used to be a guy” on the 2004-2005 season of Nip/Tuck.
At any rate, Xenia would be a hot accessory for any guy; she’s great on the arm of a tuxedo, in a sports car, or even on a boat (as long as you watch where she wraps her legs, that is…). If her crazy foreign hotness gets out of control, don’t worry; she’ll probably end up killing herself in some kind of violent freak accident like getting stuck between a large tree and a tight rope, and then your problems will be solved. That’s just what happens to crazy hot foreign chicks who like rough sex.
4. Adrienne, The Crush (1993)
The premise of this movie, that fourteen year old Adrienne becomes obsessed (to put it lightly) with a twenty-something reporter named Nick Eliot (Cary Elwes), makes Silverstone’s character crazy enough (Cary Elwes, hot? What has the world come to?), but when her obsession elevates from hanging around Nick’s apartment to building a shrine under his floorboards and attempting to murder his pseudo girlfriend, Adrienne teeters on the edge of the seldom applicable and extremely horrifying category “Too Crazy to Even F@*K.”
Unfortunately for Nick, no one ever taught him how to deal with a crazy chick, and he ends up violating the two most important rules: 1. Never refuse these women’s (or girls’) sexual advances… and 2. Don’t let these crazy chicks find out where you live… and definitely don’t move into their parents’ guest house not fifty feet from their bedroom window. If Adrienne’s insane antics and violent tendencies aren’t enough (or the fact that she has a giant marry-go-round of death in her attic… a little insane, anyone?), the fact that she winds up in a mental institution should be proof positive that she is indeed one crazy chick.
Although some of you horn dogs out there might feel a little guilty about drooling over Alicia Silverstone in this movie, you can heave a sigh of relief over the fact that Silverstone was actually seventeen when The Crush was released, making all of that bow-chicka-wow-wow going on in your head legal… in most states, anyway.
5. Cherry Darling, Grindhouse (2007)
Cherry Darling, a go-go dancer played by the red-hot Rose McGowan in Grindhouse, is bangable even when she’s crying (“It’s go-go… not cry, cry”). The film opens with a pole dancing segment in which McGowan shakes her perfectly shaped ass to the sounds of “Grindhouse,” a bump-and-grind percussion track created by director Robert Rodriguez specifically as an opportunity to highlight McGowan’s killer bod and “dancing skills” with a skimpy go-go outfit, a stripper pole, floor-to-ceiling mirrors and red-tinted lighting.
Although Cherry is relatively balanced upstairs compared to some of the other chicks on this list, once she replaces that soft, milky white leg with a machine gun, she isn’t exactly the kind of girl you’d want to take home to Mom. As Wray (Freddy Rodriguez) almost shows us in Planet Terror (curse you “missing reel”!), an amputated leg isn’t nearly enough to detract from the overall Cherry experience.
The icing on the cake is McGowan’s dirty, dirty mouth, which spews out some of the foulest language featured in this segment of Grindhouse. As she tells Wray right before they have sex, “Look, you were being an unbelievable dick. I was walking out on you. I was cold; I took your fucking jacket. So, if you’re going to go on one of your psycho, obsessive, controlling rants about a fucking jacket, then fucking take it ‘cuz I’d rather fucking freeze than fucking hear about it one more fucking time.”
Come on, that’s H-O-T hot.
