If you should be unlucky enough to find a dead body in your neighboring woods. One that has been decapitated and that has obviously been lying there for many weeks due to the decomposition evident, one would hope that most people would call the police.
Here are some do’s and don’ts when/if you should find a dead body and on making that ‘911’ call.
1: Do – Do call the Police on your Cell-Phone to relate your whereabouts and the whereabouts of the dead body.
2: Do Not – Do not under any circumstances turn the body over and remove any possible ‘knives-in-backs’ with ungloved (or gloved come to that) hands, as the police always seem to prosecute people who do this. At least all the people I see in those crappy ‘made-for-TV’ movies who always seem to do this and then stare at the bloodied tip, surprised to see it covered in blood.
3: Do not – Do not set your camera on auto-timer, lie down next to the body and make rabbit-fingers behind the remnants of the victim’s bloodied head as you have your picture taken. I’m not sure if this is illegal or not but it’s in very poor taste.
4: Do – Do avoid walking the same route as the one on which said dead body was found. This goes double if you find multiple bodies and if you should happen to find a Mass grave then you should leave the area altogether. You can call the police later.
5: Do not – Do not take the body home sit it on your couch and watch old ‘Spencer Tracy/Katherine Hepburn’ Movies with it. The conversation sucks and your co-workers are going to notice that you have suddenly acquired that ‘not quite alive’ pong about you.
6: Do not – Do not take the body parts home, wrap them in cellophane and place them in your freezer. Aside from being incredibly clichéd it’s a waste of perfectly good space. I personally would rather have ‘Ice-Cream Neapolitan’ than ‘Glassy eyed staring head(s)’ filling up my fridge.
7: Do not – Do not take the body home, siphon out the bodily fluids, chemically freeze dry it at the Chemicals Lab you conveniently work at, wrap it in cellophane and then bury it under your floorboards. Its sod’s law that you will eventually have a gas or water leak and some nosey ‘Con-Ed’ type guy will come by, dig up your floor and find multitudes of bodies beneath.
8: Do Not – Do not take the body home, dress it up as Santa-Claus and use it as a Christmas Decoration during the ‘Dyker Heights Xmas Lights’ festivities. Children can tell the difference between live and decaying flesh and no-one I know wants to sit on a dead-man’s knee.
9: Do not – Do not try to chat up the ‘911’ Operator if she/he has a husky sexy voice. It’s just plain wrong.
10: Do not – Do not make out with the body or any of it’s parts (be they attached or otherwise). You may be a little horny after that dat from last night but necrophilia is generally frowned upon by most people, except perhaps ‘Marilyn Manson.
I’ll end with a question. Assuming that you do take out your cell-phone and dial ‘911’ do you, in answer to the query ‘Is this an Emergency?’ say ‘Yes’, ‘No’ or ‘I’m not sure’. I feel we should be given this 3rd ‘I’m not sure’ option so that we can let the operator decide as to the status of the call. Now the body has been sitting/lying there a while. No-one’s life is going to be saved by having the police/ambulence charging over to the crime-scene. However, it is still a dead body. I just couldn’t make the call I don’t think. I would tell the ‘911’ operators that I’d found a dead body and let them decide. I just can’t seem to accept responsibility for all the bodies I might find.
