May you never have to answer this question about the life or death of a lover. My siblings and I had to answer our mother’s question. Somewhere between the plug and Dr. Kevorkian suicide during the draw. I can promise you, you will never know what you are actually doing until you do it. I used to be critical of Dr. Kevorkian until I had to do almost the same thing as my mother, but to do it right. In matters of life pain and compassion – what difference though?
Each family has a unique set of circumstances and criteria to make this decision. Fortunately, my mother had a living will, so we didn’t have to pull the plug or the legal battles. It had to be assessed whether or not life-supporting drugs and possible surgery would continue.
At 88 years of age, and with a slim chance of making it through major surgery with any quality of life afterwards, are we in a position to decide to pull the plug on our Mother? After all, miracles have happened. Should we believe the doctors, or should we believe our faith in God to sustain life? What happens when faced with this view?
First reactions
I was amazed when our family doctors asked, “Do you want comfort care for your mother?” We all looked at each other as if there was no way we could answer the question. Then we understood to answer the question and looked at each other as if to say: “You answer that question – I have no way to have that opinion in my conscience.” The doctors, when they notice that you are stunned, politely say: “Okay, talk and let us know what you decide.
You need to answer that question a little earlier. “For two seconds, you breathe a sigh of relief, as the problem is actually gone, and you no longer have to answer. Then the doctors leave the room and they really have anxiety. Kicks in. We prayed.
Initial thoughts
After a minute, everyone asks everyone what they think. No one really wants to escape the answer unless someone else has done so first. The initial thoughts and discussions are usually medical recaps of what the doctors have said. Then you start with what your loved one would have wanted. You are still hoping for some miracle that will never allow you to answer the question. We call the bishop of the church to come with us.
More Discussion
As with all decision-making processes, the deep discussion phase involves different personalities, opinions, and levels of knowledge. My brother has a medical background, I have a business career, and my sister is very sensitive, kind of compassionate. We are all spiritual siblings, but none of us actually attend church every week. All believe in God, as does our Mother.
We all approach our problem in these ways. My brother’s discussions revolved around confirmation of medical evaluations. My discussion was about what makes the most sense considering all the options, and my sister just wanted to cry, do whatever we had to do to keep our Mother alive, and hope for miracles. We asked the doctors several questions.
Feelings of guilt
We asked each other – are we singing to God? Did we kill our mother? Do we assist in his death when we know he did not want life support? What if the doctors are wrong? What if a miracle? Do we all agree on the same answer? What if we don’t all agree? What does the Mother want – and can we actually do it? Is this a transgression of one of the ten commandments? We decided to sleep on it and see how it was doing in the morning.
Day of decision
Despite all efforts to postpone, our Mother did not improve the next day and doctors needed an answer. . After many medical, spiritual, and personal reasons and hours of discussion, we decided to arrange for comfort care. We have known mother for a long time in live life pain and illness. We knew she wanted to cross over to the other side where He felt that eternity was going to be much better. We asked God to go quickly and without pain. It was the hardest thing to do in my life. He whispered in my mother’s ear to please understand and know what we were hoping for I think he knew.
Wait
The doctors told us it could take anywhere from two hours to two days for the mother to pass. Given the tenacity of our Mother’s nature, of course it took her about three days to take her last breath. In the meantime, the feelings turn from guilt and confusion to peace and mutual comfort. We never even questioned whether we had done the right thing during these three days.
Both thought perhaps. But we gathered at our mother’s bedside and told stories about her life and talked about good memories. At one point, in an effort to cope, I even joked about waiting for her for so long, because perhaps a bad husband came down to her and said, “No way am I with you.” I joked that she was probably waiting for her to go down and get a third husband.
Years later
It has been one year since my Mother’s passing and while I don’t fully mourn, I will always ask myself, “Did we make the right decision?” I am not very sorry because I know my mother suffered. I miss her – I’m not wrong. I try to put out the flames with my burning breast. This is what he wanted – but have we not given credit to the right? Should we pray for miracles?
Will God judge us for this? Would he break one of the ten commandments? But we shall spend the rest of our days quietly and secretly impressing ourselves upon this. We have never talked about this this day. I just wish those doctors had never asked us, “Do you want to order comfort care for your Mother?” My consciousness will never be the same.
So my daughter knows: if I am 88 and have little chance to live well, do the same to me. I understand what I want.
Report:
- God in Heaven
