You arrive at the play date with your preschooler. He clings to your leg as you walk in and remains there for the duration. This scene is all-too familiar to parents and caregivers of shy children. It can be a cause for worry for some parents, but there are many things they can do to help their shy children develop social skills.
It is important to understand what shyness is and to recognize that it is not a bad thing. It is simply a personality characteristic. It is not something that parents or other caregivers should try to change; it is as much a part of the child as his eye color or his height. Instead of trying to change it, learn to work with it.
When parents and caregivers try to coax a child to socialize by using shame, teasing or scolding, they may not realize that they are making it even harder for the child. Trying to force a behavior that doesn’t come naturally or easily makes the child feel inadequate and self conscious.
In contrast, when the child is given the opportunity to go at his own pace, he will gradually gain confidence, feel comfortable and start socializing. Following are some suggestions for parents and caregivers to help shy toddlers and preschoolers develop social skills in positive ways.
Go at the child’s pace
Start small by arranging play dates with one or two other children. The first few should be at the child’s own home or some other location that is familiar and comfortable. If the shy child does not want to get involved, that’s ok. Let him hang back and observe for a while. If he starts to show interest and then backs off again, allow him to do that. He may need to join in gradually. Don’t push before he is ready.
Lead by example
Let the shy child see you interacting with others. At play dates, even if he is not playing, he is probably watching, so talk with the other children, initiate play. If he shows interest, invite him to join you. Don’t draw a lot of attention to him, as this may cause him to back away again. Instead let him join the play quietly and continue to interact with the other children as well.
Practice, practice, practice
Do some role playing with your child at home before and after play dates. Let him practice what he wants to do with other children. Take turns and let him take on the role of another child or an adult with whom he has regular interactions. This may give you some insight as to how he views other people and what may be making things difficult for him.
Have patience
This can be hard, especially for people who are not shy and don’t fully understand it. Rushing a shy child can make it difficult for him to progress. Praise attempts as much as accomplishments. This will help him feel proud of his efforts and confidence in his abilities. Let him know that he can take his time and doesn’t have to play with others before he is ready.
If there is concern about a child’s shyness, and whether there is something more going on, it should never be discussed in front of the child. Even hearing adults talk about it can make shy children feel bad about themselves, that they are different or that they are doing something wrong. When discussing the child, be sure he can not hear.
Though parents and caregivers worry about shy children being lonely or having poor social skills, giving them time and space can make a world of difference. It will not make the shyness go away, but it will help them build self esteem and learn to interact with others in a way that is comfortable for them.
