“Happy sixteenth to me, happy sixteenth to me, on the way to my birthday party, happy sixteenth to me.” That is right, today is the big sweet sixteen and my friends have a special party planned, or do they? There was a secret that they were keeping from me so I did not tell anyone that I knew what was going on. Arriving at a friend’s house after school, I saw balloons and cake. Wow! It was a party for me. We sat there talking and singing so loud that you could hear us down the street. Then my mother showed up. How could she? This was my party with my friends and my mom just showed up. It seemed as if all eyes were on me. The minute stood so still that even the leaves on treetops did not move. What was it that everyone seemed to know, everyone but me? The moment passed, finally, and my best friend gave me a box to open in front of everyone. My mom and my friends stared at me for a moment as I hesitated to open it. The weirdest gift was inside, a pregnancy test. I was not, it just could not be, I am not pregnant. Something is a little off with me, I know, but it is a very stressful time in my life. Can a girl just get a break once in a while? The denial that once overtook my body seemed to cease. I realized that indeed I am. I am on the cheerleading team, I am in gymnastics, and indeed I am pregnant at sixteen.
Depression took on a whole new meaning as I started to quickly realize my life was over. There would be no more cheerleading team, no more gymnastics, and definitely no going away to college and partying with friends as I had been planning forever. There came a point where I felt like there was only one thing to do and I had to do it. I was surrounded by what seemed like a million girls at the abortion clinic. Patiently awaiting my turn, I overheard a conversation that in the end would change my life. “I hope they drug me up good so that I can be high on the way home.” What! I know I could not have heard that right. This was a human being they were about to kill, murder in my eyes, and all they wanted was to get high. This is the first time the world changed in my eyes. I drew in a deep breath, or tried to at least. I could not breath, could not move. Then, suddenly, my breath came to me and I let out a scream that must have sounded like bombs going off because my mom automatically recognized it was me and ran back to where I was. It took her a few minutes to reach me because she was in the front of the clinic in the waiting area and I was in the back of the clinic where they see the patients at. When she finally reached me she took me in her arms and let me know that this was my decision and that she was behind me in whatever I wanted to do. That is when it happened. My mouth opened and somehow I was able to say “I just can’t do this.” On the way home I had a lot of thinking to do, and in my mind things started to become clear. It actually became real to me. I was going to have a baby.
It came time for me to face reality. I quit the cheerleading squad and gymnastics. I had to get a part-time job. I knew that it would not support the baby fully, but at least it would help. I still had to overcome the biggest challenge of all, going to school. Education had always been very important to me, so my biggest concern was finishing school. Shaking at the knees, I walked into school for the first time since I found out I was pregnant. It was a huge relief when things went smoothly as they always had and none of my classmates seemed to mind that there was a pregnant girl in their class. My friends still talked to me like they always had. Lunches were still the same, hanging out in the hallways together. We even went shopping after school and they would help pick out baby things. My mind started to deceive me. Believe it or not it actually started to stick in my head that nothing was going to change. I had been scared of nothing. I could do this. I did not see what the big deal was.
Nine months came and nine months went. At just five and a half pounds my handsome baby boy was finally born on August 21, 2002.A miracle it truly was. I had never seen something so amazing in my life. The love that I felt overwhelmed me. This amazement quickly changed as I had to face the world now with another life besides my own. Fatigue set in as I attempted for the first time in my life to juggle school, working, and a baby up crying all night long. I grew very lonely as I felt separated from the rest of the world. My friends started drifting away from me, and I could no longer go out with them without having to take a baby along. Most of my spare time was spent at work or fixing bottles. There was not enough time in the day to get everything done. With that in mind, I set out to find a way to make it happen. I was able to switch from a public high school to the adult high school program at the local community college. The new high school program was amazing. You were only required to go three hours a day but you could put in more if you wanted to try to finish early. This gave my schedule great flexibility. I was able to work a few extra hours and also be home sooner to be with my new baby. Everything started to fall into place. One problem still remained. With no friends left, I was lonely. I decided that I would just have to do this on my own.
I went on to finish school. As soon as I was done with school, I took on a full-time job and kept my part-time job as well. Within a few months I was earning enough to get my own apartment. I felt like I had finally done it. I had managed to survive through the hard times and make it on my own as a single young mother. A feeling of accomplishment and fulfillment started taking over my body. There were other things that I wanted to do with my life, but for the first time I started to feel like an adult. It wasn’t long before an old boyfriend called me up and we got back together. He didn’t mind my son, and in fact he accepted him as his own and wanted to help me with him. It was love at last. We began the next chapter of our lives together on September 20, 2004 when we became husband and wife. There was only one thing left that I really felt like I didn’t get to accomplish. I wanted to go to college. Although I could not go away to college, I stared looking into any night classes or smaller day classes that I could take for now. Going to college was going to be a very slow process taking classes here and there wherever I could fit them in, but somehow, I knew that if I took one at a time eventually I would be able to finish.
The world had finally changed in my eyes. I was no longer mad at the world. Blame was no longer put on people and things that we cannot control. I still dream of what life would be like today if thing would have happened differently but I no longer agonize over it. Everybody has a destiny that is planned out before you even come to this magical world. My guess is that I was not meant to go away to college and become the next rocket scientist. I knew I would not be able to go away to college because of living arrangements. I also knew that I would never be able to be the next rocket scientist because of the class time and hands on experience that would require. I still needed to work and support my family. I looked around at smaller colleges and investigated my options. I finally found a way to go to college after all. Technology had evolved into something so amazing. I could take my classes on the internet from my home whenever I had time. I could do them in the morning before breakfast or I could do them at night after the kids went to bed. I felt so much better knowing that I would, after all, get to go to college. I am now taking online classes towards my Web Technologies degree. We have to learn to accept who we are and use the tools we are given to make the best of it. The experience taught me that my place in the world was right here. God intended this to be my life or he wouldn’t have put that beautiful baby in my arms. It took me years to come to a realization that I had finally found me. Through all the troubles and lonely times I had come to find out exactly who I was inside. I can finally say that I am proud to be me.
